Before the phone call from my sister-in-law, I had been talking to my sister about religion. Specifically, the fact that we were brought up in a Lutheran household, and have long carried the guilt that goes along with being raised that way. We talked about our kids, and what we should tell them as far as religion is concerned. Her kids are almost 11 and 13, so they are asking the deep questions. I still have some time as mine isn't even 1 yet.
Or so I thought.
It is a serious topic of discussion for my mother about when I am going to get JJ baptized. To be honest, I have been avoiding it. I don't want to pick Godparents as I don't want to alienate anyone, and I don't want to pick anyone because they think it is a given that they will be. I also don't want to talk to the pastor at the church I belong to, because I rarely go, and JJ's dad and I are not married but are living together. These are all things that are frowned upon in church life. To me, this event is more of a ritual than anything. Depending on who I pick, the Godparents would not necessarily be the same people that would raise JJ if I met an early demise. Again, as with making all necessary medical decisions for JJ, I need to just bite the bullet and do this.
My sister says that she has something to tell me, and that I am sworn to secrecy. Hmm - ok. She proceeds to tell me that our mother has baptized my son in the kitchen sink because she didn't want him to go any longer without it being done.
I don't know if I should laugh, cry, or be mad. Does my mother really think it is her right as a Christian to just go ahead and baptize him because I haven't done it yet? Would she just pluck an atheist's kid from the crowd and baptize him because the parents hadn't? What if I had decided I wasn't going to do it? Oh well, mom took care of that for me.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Anxiety
So, I've always been an anxious person, sometimes to a fault. Health anxiety used to be a huge issue for me, but as I got older, I mellowed out. However, now that I have another human being that I am responsible for, it's all back, and with a vengeance. I find that I hate having to call the doctor when something is wrong with JJ. Even if it's something minor, I just hate the whole process. I want JJ's dad to make the call. I want him to be responsible for that part of JJ's life. I know it's irrational, but it's my reality. I also know that won't happen, so I need to just put my fear aside and take charge.
My sister-in-law called today (she babysits while I work), and said she doesn't think JJ's procedure is healing correctly. She's had two sons, and one had similar issues and had to have his redone. She asks if they told us to pull back on skin while it was healing. No! I don't want to go through this again, so I'm hoping she's wrong. Anyway, of course, this will require a call to the doctor since his follow up isn't until May 5th. I call my sister before I call the doctor, because that's just what I do - I get opinions from at least 5 different people before I make any decision in my life. Do I want swiss or cheddar? Let me call so-and-so and see if they know which tastes better on a burger. It consumes me, but I digress. She says I should call the doctor. Noooooooooo, that is not what I want to hear. I want to hear, I'm sure it's fine, just leave it be till the follow up. She also asks if they told us to put the antibiotic cream deep into the folds, etc. I said no. I followed the instructions from the doctor to a T. Then I call JJ's dad. He says to call the doctor. Now, I'll say this just irks me cause, I am working during the day too! He could just as easily call, but it's always me. Perhaps my anxiety is more of a power struggle? Anyway, I finally call the doctor. Someone took a message and a nurse is going to call me back. It's difficult because I don't know how to explain what it looks like as he's not home with me at the moment; all I know is that it didn't look swollen or infected.
I'm sure I'll be off to another doctor's appointment in the near future. It all just makes my head spin.
My sister-in-law called today (she babysits while I work), and said she doesn't think JJ's procedure is healing correctly. She's had two sons, and one had similar issues and had to have his redone. She asks if they told us to pull back on skin while it was healing. No! I don't want to go through this again, so I'm hoping she's wrong. Anyway, of course, this will require a call to the doctor since his follow up isn't until May 5th. I call my sister before I call the doctor, because that's just what I do - I get opinions from at least 5 different people before I make any decision in my life. Do I want swiss or cheddar? Let me call so-and-so and see if they know which tastes better on a burger. It consumes me, but I digress. She says I should call the doctor. Noooooooooo, that is not what I want to hear. I want to hear, I'm sure it's fine, just leave it be till the follow up. She also asks if they told us to put the antibiotic cream deep into the folds, etc. I said no. I followed the instructions from the doctor to a T. Then I call JJ's dad. He says to call the doctor. Now, I'll say this just irks me cause, I am working during the day too! He could just as easily call, but it's always me. Perhaps my anxiety is more of a power struggle? Anyway, I finally call the doctor. Someone took a message and a nurse is going to call me back. It's difficult because I don't know how to explain what it looks like as he's not home with me at the moment; all I know is that it didn't look swollen or infected.
I'm sure I'll be off to another doctor's appointment in the near future. It all just makes my head spin.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water...
So, the surgery went well. In fact, JJ didn't cry before, after, that night, the whole next day. I thought "what a trooper this kid is"! He also didn't poop. Someone told me that codeine makes them constipated. OK, well that was actually a good thing as it kept the yuckies away from the incision site. The after care instructions said take the bandage off on Thursday, which is today.
OH.MY.GOD.
I went to change him as he had finally pooped (hard poop, by the way). As I was wiping him, he pooped some more. That was ok too. I just let him finish what he needed to do, and then I thought that I'd take the bandage off then and get him nice and lubed up with Neosporin.
OH.MY.GOD.
I started taking the bandage off slowly, and as I got down to where it was on his skin, it was a little stuck in the scab that is forming. That poor child screamed and started crying. I took the rest of it off, and saw what no mother wants to see. Her little man all red and scabbed up. I put a glob of Neosporin on as quickly as I could, and put a diaper on him. I'm sure that didn't help as it was then rubbing on the diaper and irritated. Lots more crying. I thought a dose of his pain meds would be appropriate, so I ran to the kitchen and served him up some Tylenol w/codeine. This was at 11:40. He just now fell asleep at 1:20.
The dr. made it seem like he'd be great by today, back to playing in his bouncy, rolling around, etc. Um?
I hate feeling like I made the wrong decision. I wonder if he'll hate me forever for the pain he's now in (I know he won't remember, but perhaps he will subconciously??). I envy moms who have girls at this moment.
OH.MY.GOD.
I went to change him as he had finally pooped (hard poop, by the way). As I was wiping him, he pooped some more. That was ok too. I just let him finish what he needed to do, and then I thought that I'd take the bandage off then and get him nice and lubed up with Neosporin.
OH.MY.GOD.
I started taking the bandage off slowly, and as I got down to where it was on his skin, it was a little stuck in the scab that is forming. That poor child screamed and started crying. I took the rest of it off, and saw what no mother wants to see. Her little man all red and scabbed up. I put a glob of Neosporin on as quickly as I could, and put a diaper on him. I'm sure that didn't help as it was then rubbing on the diaper and irritated. Lots more crying. I thought a dose of his pain meds would be appropriate, so I ran to the kitchen and served him up some Tylenol w/codeine. This was at 11:40. He just now fell asleep at 1:20.
The dr. made it seem like he'd be great by today, back to playing in his bouncy, rolling around, etc. Um?
I hate feeling like I made the wrong decision. I wonder if he'll hate me forever for the pain he's now in (I know he won't remember, but perhaps he will subconciously??). I envy moms who have girls at this moment.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Surgery
JJ goes in for outpatient surgery tomorrow at 7:45AM. We have to be to the hospital at 6:45, which means we'll have to be up by 5ish, I'd say. He can have formula till 1:45 AM thank God. I was thinking the cutoff would be much earlier in the night, which would have resulted in a crabby baby in the morning. Actually, he can have water, apple juice and/or Pedialyte till 4:45, so although I don't usually wake him up to feed him anymore, I may just do tonight to make sure he's got a full belly.
I pretend I am a strong person, but right now I'm very anxious. They are putting him under, which is kind of freaking me out. The surgery is scheduled for 1 hr, 15 min, and the nurse told me that it's a fast acting anesthesia that will go through a mask. As soon as they turn it off, he could wake up. I think I like that better than deep sleep, but really, who knows? I'm no expert at this stuff. Just a mom who wishes her baby didn't have to do this.
I pretend I am a strong person, but right now I'm very anxious. They are putting him under, which is kind of freaking me out. The surgery is scheduled for 1 hr, 15 min, and the nurse told me that it's a fast acting anesthesia that will go through a mask. As soon as they turn it off, he could wake up. I think I like that better than deep sleep, but really, who knows? I'm no expert at this stuff. Just a mom who wishes her baby didn't have to do this.
Friday, March 19, 2010
The Backstory
It probably helps to know a little bit about our story. I am 34 years old, and my son, who we shall refer to as JJ, is 7 months, 6 days old today.
I found out I was pregnant at around 3AM on New Year's Eve, 2008. Technically, my best friend and I went out for drinks on Dec 30th, and when I got home, it was after midnight. I had suspicions that something was up since I am like clockwork, and I was now going on 3 days late. I stopped on the way to going out at Meijer for a test, but wasn't planning on taking it till the next morning, or perhaps, a few days later. Well, a little liquid courage talked me into taking right then and there at 3AM. There is no way to describe what happens while waiting for the results of a pregnancy test. You always feel a bit nervous, but in the back of your mind, you know it's going to be negative. So, when the word "Pregnant" popped up on the screen (I took no chance of being wrong with the little blue line tests - you all know what I mean), I think I had an out of body experience. It probably didn't help that I was a *bit* tipsy. I would like to tell you that was the happiest moment of my life, but anyone that grew up in a religious household knows, that even at the age of 33, being unmarried and pregnant = GUILT. So much guilt, in fact, that I didn't tell my mom and most of my family and friends until April. Thank God for the supportive friends and family I did tell, and of course to my loving partner who stood by me even though he could have run the other direction.
Fast forward to August 2009. JJ is born 3 weeks and 2 days early, weighing in at 6lbs 8oz, 19 inches long at 8:29 PM via c-section after hours of trying to push his Charlie Brown head past my pubic bone. He did not want a conehead, apparently, because he would not progress. After seeing that sweet little face, I cannot fathom how I felt so guilty about him. It makes me want to rewind and truly enjoy the whole experience more. It makes me know that I will never make my son feel guilty about certain things in life. It will force us to have honest conversations about things that my mom and dad didn't have with me.
Fast forward to March 19, 2010. JJ is waking from a nap in our bed (oh, the horror, we have a family bed!). There he is smiling up at me, spit up on his chin, and also on the freshly laundered sheets. This is the life :)
I found out I was pregnant at around 3AM on New Year's Eve, 2008. Technically, my best friend and I went out for drinks on Dec 30th, and when I got home, it was after midnight. I had suspicions that something was up since I am like clockwork, and I was now going on 3 days late. I stopped on the way to going out at Meijer for a test, but wasn't planning on taking it till the next morning, or perhaps, a few days later. Well, a little liquid courage talked me into taking right then and there at 3AM. There is no way to describe what happens while waiting for the results of a pregnancy test. You always feel a bit nervous, but in the back of your mind, you know it's going to be negative. So, when the word "Pregnant" popped up on the screen (I took no chance of being wrong with the little blue line tests - you all know what I mean), I think I had an out of body experience. It probably didn't help that I was a *bit* tipsy. I would like to tell you that was the happiest moment of my life, but anyone that grew up in a religious household knows, that even at the age of 33, being unmarried and pregnant = GUILT. So much guilt, in fact, that I didn't tell my mom and most of my family and friends until April. Thank God for the supportive friends and family I did tell, and of course to my loving partner who stood by me even though he could have run the other direction.
Fast forward to August 2009. JJ is born 3 weeks and 2 days early, weighing in at 6lbs 8oz, 19 inches long at 8:29 PM via c-section after hours of trying to push his Charlie Brown head past my pubic bone. He did not want a conehead, apparently, because he would not progress. After seeing that sweet little face, I cannot fathom how I felt so guilty about him. It makes me want to rewind and truly enjoy the whole experience more. It makes me know that I will never make my son feel guilty about certain things in life. It will force us to have honest conversations about things that my mom and dad didn't have with me.
Fast forward to March 19, 2010. JJ is waking from a nap in our bed (oh, the horror, we have a family bed!). There he is smiling up at me, spit up on his chin, and also on the freshly laundered sheets. This is the life :)
My attempt to keep track of my little man's moments
I have come to accept that I am not a scrapbooking kind of mom. I take tons of pictures, but rarely print them. I keep track of major milestones in my calendar, when I remember... I realized long ago I need something quick and easy to jot down things I'd like to remember from my son's young months and years. So, this will be the start of his "baby book" if you will.
I am assuming most people will find this sleep inducing, and it's probably more for my benefit than anyone else's, but hey, maybe another mom will read this and we can share a common experience.
My goal will be to login here and try to post whenever something happens that I find newsworthy, or at least once a week. Hey, maybe I'll also include some things happening in my life (in other words, I may vent out here). I am so grateful that the cyberworld has places like this that make blogging so easy.
I am assuming most people will find this sleep inducing, and it's probably more for my benefit than anyone else's, but hey, maybe another mom will read this and we can share a common experience.
My goal will be to login here and try to post whenever something happens that I find newsworthy, or at least once a week. Hey, maybe I'll also include some things happening in my life (in other words, I may vent out here). I am so grateful that the cyberworld has places like this that make blogging so easy.
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